Okay this is a pretty personal post but I wanted to touch on the subject because with 50% of married couples getting divorced… I know there are people out there going through the same thing.
I got pregnant with my first child (Braiden) when I was 19 and delivered him when I was 20. I was married to my husband at the time and the pregnancy went smoothly. I got pregnant with Scarlet when I was 22. During pregnancy I had placenta previa but it ended up fixing itself as time went on. She came 4 weeks early and had to stay in the hospital for an extra 10 days but other than that, things were fine. Having a second child, especially one with colic, was a very big shock to my life.
Then came divorce.
I was single with two children and honestly didn’t think I would meet anyone that would be so willing to accept me and take on all of my baggage. But I was lucky enough to do so when Josh came into the picture.
I am very happy to be on this journey with him. He is already a great step dad to my two kids and I can only imagine when he will be like when the new born comes along.
But with this excitement comes some fears of mine.
I had different fears for each of my pregnancies. With Braiden it was, would I be able to give him enough, provide for him, be a good mom in general? With Scarlet I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to share my love and that with her being a girl, I was afraid of my eating disorder affecting her. There were plenty more fears with them but those were the biggest.
This pregnancy is no different. I feel guilty for having these thoughts because I love Josh with all my heart and he knows that but I can’t help but be a little afraid and to think about….
1. Will my children get upset or understand why the new baby stays with us all of the time while they go back and forth every other weekend to see their dad?
2. Will the new baby understand why he/she doesn’t get to go somewhere every other weekend?
3. Since Josh and I are not married yet, none of my children will have my last name. I don’t like this.
4. Heaven forbid something happen and Josh and I can no longer be together… three children, two different fathers, and single me? (I don’t think Josh and I will break up ever but having been divorced once, you can’t help but have it cross your mind.)
5. Will the new baby be favored? It’s Josh’s first child and the first grandbaby on this side. (I can not express how grateful I am to not only have Josh’s family in my life but to have them accept my children as their own. They would do anything for them)
6. Will I be able to split my time and love equally with all three kids? I had the same fear having my second child and it ended up being just fine. I don’t know why I think the same thing.
7. Will I be able to handle them all. School parties, trips, homework, practice, dance, bottles, naps, middle of night feedings, trying not to let Scarlet get middle child syndrome… will I go crazy?
8. Will I get post partum again? I got it after Braiden and not Scarlet. It was absolutely terrible for all the parties involved.
9. Will my body bounce back? I know it’s vein but I heard the more children you have, the harder it is to get your body back in shape.
10. Will I have placenta previa again? If so, It’s going to be a while before I can really run again… Will I get really moody? (Don’t ask Josh or my co workers how I’ve been so far this pregnancy.)
These are just some things I think about. I’m not trying to be negative at all and I am over joyed about this pregnancy and going on this journey with Josh. We do plan on getting married after the baby (We actually were planning for this October but pushed it back because of the surprise.) I think every mother has different fears depending on her situation. Some are scared because they think they are too young, too old, not married, have a career, ect… It’s natural.